Steve Etner, founder of The Purity Coach, is one of the most courageous and transparent speakers I’ve ever heard. When I heard his testimony of how the Lord delivered him from addiction to pornography, I new I needed to get it down for my readers. Anyone struggling with pornography or who knows someone who is needs to read this.
Herb: Steve, share a little about how the Lord led you to start Pure Man Ministry.
Steve: I can’t really begin to tell you when my problem with pornography started. It was sometime in early childhood that I got exposed to pornography and got caught up in the addiction. For over thirty years of my life I battled a three-headed dragon: lust, pornography and masturbation. I thought I had control of it. I thought that it was a private sin and there wasn’t a need for anybody to know about it. Even when I got married, I felt that I was able to keep it hidden and didn’t have to expose it or deal with it.
I became a pastor of a Baptist church. I would preach behind the pulpit on Sunday, feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit. But I’d turn right around on Monday and go back to the porn again.
Numbers 32:23 says, “Be sure your sin will find you out.” That’s a very true verse. And there was a point in time where I was spiraling downward and got to a point where I had to live it out. It wasn’t satisfying anymore to just look at the images. So I had my first affair. I confessed it immediately to my wife. We sought healing by going to a pastor for counseling. But what we ended up having was anything but counsel. We received very negative, condemning input. In fact, my wife wound up defending me to the pastor. It was no help at all.
So we ended up thinking we were going to have to fix this on our own. But we couldn’t, because you can’t without God. All I did was I kept the sin buried, kept it hidden. But eventually, it came out again. We sought out another counselor. That counselor gave us a bunch of fluff, which really wasn’t helpful at all. So, again, I walked away from that feeling that no one understands, no one can help. We’re going to have to fix it on our own. But we didn’t.
Finally, again, sin got exposed. We saw another pastor, who ended up telling us it was all my wife’s fault, that if she’d only perform properly and met my needs none of this would have happened. Again, it was all bad counsel. But God in His mercy and love brought a man into my life by the name of Roger and what Roger did was to sit down with me and open up the Scriptures. We just sat there and we read the Word of God. He challenged me to memorize the Word of God. He gave me many specific verses to hide in my heart.
Herb: How often did you meet?
Steve: We met once a week for an hour for one year. And in that time frame God began to change me. I didn’t see it. I didn’t know it was happening. But my wife and my kids saw it. My pastor saw it. What I realized was happening was that God was getting my mind to focus on Him instead of on myself. I began to see what He wanted for me, what He needed me to be, that my purpose and goal in life is to glorify Him. So through this journey God took me to a point where I realized that if I’m going to glorify Him in my everyday living, I must first glorify Him in my every moment.
He brought me to some very powerful Scriptures such as Romans 12:2, we’re to be transformed by the renewing of our mind; Col. 3:2, we’re to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things; Proverbs 27:19, “as water reflects the face, so your life reflects the heart; Proverbs 23:7, “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”
Herb: So scripture memory and the ability to meditate on scripture was critical.
Steve: Very critical. And that’s what brought about the change. Now, it wasn’t just simply opening the Bible and reading it. It was listening to the Holy Spirit say to me, “Steve, this is an area you need to work on. This is why you’re struggling.” So I could become the wise man of Matthew 7, who, in the midst of the storm was able to stand, not just because he read the Word, but because he obeyed it, he applied it to his life. And that’s when the real change began to happen in my life.
Well, long story made short, my pastor saw the change that was taking place in my life so he asked me to develop a twelve week course to teach at the church on the process of change and the importance of changing the mind. So I developed the course, taught it at the church and afterwards I had guys telling me I need to write a book on it. And I kept telling myself that it wasn’t going to happen. And yet people were requesting me to teach the course again. So after seven times of teaching this course, after seven times of people coming up to me and telling me I need to write a book, I finally told God, “I get it.” So that’s how the book, Extreme Mind Makeover, came about. And the ministry that we have now is one born out of the pain, but more so, from the healing. And we’ve been able to see God take the testimony–and it hurts to share it, to say to guys, “This is who I was. This is what I did.” But we have seen so many opportunities to share God’s truth and to see it impacting guys’ lives. So now we take any and every opportunity to share with others what God has done through His Word, through His Spirit in our lives.
Herb: If someone’s reading this and they’re having a problem with porn, what’s the first step he should take?
Steve: The first step has to be realizing you cannot keep it secret. Sin loves darkness, especially this sin. The lie of the enemy is that we have to keep it to ourselves. No one is going to understand or everything’s going to fall apart. So you need to find your pastor, a deacon or elder in the church, someone with whom you can tell that you need help and prayer. I have a website that offers a lot of helpful tips, www.thepureman.org. There’s also a phone number you can call, 717-4-PURITY. Any guy who calls this number rings my cell phone. I have it with me 24/7, 365. I’m there for them because I’ve been there. I know how important it is to have somebody who understands, to be able to talk to. So my family knows that even if I’m sitting at dinner, if the phone rings, I’m going to answer it. I may tell you that I can’t talk that minute and ask if I can call you back in ten minutes. But I will answer that phone. You will get a guy on the other end that’s going to respond.
Herb: Steve, thank you so much. When I heard your testimony I realized I needed to get it into my newsletter. So I appreciate so much you taking the time to let me interview you.
Steve: And I appreciate you doing this. It’s a big need.