How Local Church Men’s Ministries Can Help Stop the Cycle of Poor Fathering in America

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Fatherless America

No matter what else you undertake today in men’s ministry, you must address the growing problem of fatherlessness. America is in the middle of a fathering crisis. Some are even calling the United States “Fatherless America.”[1] Consider the following facts:

• In America, 2022 data indicates there are approximately 18.3 million children who live without a father in the home, comprising about 1 in 4 US children.
• About 80% of single-parent homes are led by single mothers.
• Children from single-parent families are twice as likely to suffer from mental health and behavioral problems as those living with married parents.
• In one study, 70% of youth in state operated facilities were from single-parent homes.
• Children with an actively engaged father perform much better in school, some data show they are 33% percent less likely to repeat a class and 43% more likely to get A’s in school.
• In a study of 56 school shootings, only 10 of the shooters (18%) were raised in a stable home with both biological parents. Eighty-two percent grew up in either an unstable family environment or grew up without both biological parents together.[2]

And the fathers we do have often fail in their fatherhood role

Many fathers feel unprepared to take on fatherhood. Their own fathers may have been physically or emotionally absent, causing what family experts call a “father wound.”

All men have this father wound to some extent. If you’ve suffered abuse, neglect, or absence, then your wound may be a deep and painful one. Or perhaps you’ve been blessed with an involved, loving dad.

No matter what your dad was like, your own fathering efforts will be affected by his example. If that example was healthy, your own children will be blessed. But if the example left something to be desired, you’ll need to make a concerted effort to avoid repeating your own father’s mistakes.

Local church men’s ministries can provide new fathers with role models

You can decide to stop a generational cycle of poor fathering or continue to build on a legacy of healthy fathering. It’s your decision.

One way to stop a cycle of poor fathering is finding other men who have positive fathering habits and learn from them. Men need other men who have walked the fathering journey to pass along their wisdom. Consider this quote by Shannon Carpenter in an article entitled “The Male Loneliness Epidemic and How it Affects Fathers:”

“Loneliness within fatherhood goes way beyond having a spouse or not. We have to go back to the most basic concept of community, and that’s friendship. The ability to seek advice or be vulnerable without fear is priceless and as fathers, we don’t have that in this current environment. Too many new dads lack the mentorship that comes from others involved in our lives.” (CNN online, 9/18/2023)

Men’s ministry leaders should take note and make sure your men’s ministry addresses this need for new dads.

Local church men’s ministries can teach new dads about healthy fatherhood

Another way to help your men stop a cycle of poor fathering is teaching a course on healthy fathering in your men’s ministry. Teach your men specific ways to be a good dad who takes an early and active role in his child’s life. What better place to learn positive fathering and grandfathering traits than in an effective, healthy men’s ministry?

First-time fatherhood training begins with how a new dad treats his wife during pregnancy and will intensify the closer he gets to “D-day” (Delivery day). This is no time for fear! This is a job for a real man.

A real man helps his wife when her ankles are swollen and her back hurts. An active, present dad helps his wife through the pain of labor and delivery. And when his son has been born, an engaged father holds his newborn close—very close—and whispers in his tiny baby’s ear, “I’m your daddy … I love you. You’re safe in my arms; I’m going to take care of you.”

An effective men’s ministry should always promote a biblical view of masculinity. A healthy model of masculinity includes tasks such as changing diapers and warming bottles in the middle of the night. The truly Christian, masculine man enters his newborn’s world and explores it with his baby, seeing the world through the baby’s eyes.

Expectant dads sometimes think, “I can’t get down on my hands and knees and coo and crawl with my baby! I’ll feel like a sissy!” That’s the kind of thinking that deepens the father wound. Unfortunately, when dads think this way, they perpetuate the cycle of poor fathering, and the generational pain of longing for an involved father continues. An active men’s ministry can hold classes for new dads and invite these first-time fathers from the surrounding area to participate.

A baby who never receives the touch and attention of a loving dad will go through life wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” If you think I am exaggerating, consider this striking statistic: In the first eighteen months of life, your son or daughter forms their gender identity and can identify the genders of their mom and dad.

That’s right! Before the first two years have sped by, an infant is able to distinguish the subtle differences between his father’s and mother’s voice, heartbeat, smell, and even skin! Before babies can even say “dada” or “mama,” they’ve already locked into their brain the thought this is mom, or this is dad.

Because babies recognize these differences, fathers are genuinely needed from day one. In a previous age, extended family members would help young men become fathers. But with our mobile society and the breakdown of the family, that age has passed. So, the church must proactively prepare fathers to enter their newborn’s world physically and emotionally.

Practical ways men’s ministries can foster healthy fatherhood

Active participation in a healthy men’s ministry that teaches men how to be good fathers can be a critical step in becoming an involved dad. Help your men fight through the father wounds they may have experienced and lovingly encourage them to move toward spiritual, emotional, and social involvement with their baby. Their son or daughter is, after all, their very own generous gift from God.

Emotionally healthy men make better fathers. Here are a few practical ideas a local church men’s ministry can undertake to encourage emotionally healthy fathering:

• Offer a course for first-time fathers.
• Hold an off-site father/son or father/daughter weekend.
• Teach on the damaging effects of fatherlessness.
• Allow grandfathers opportunities to share their fathering experiences.
• Encourage pastors to preach a series on the importance of godly fathers.
• Allow fathers and sons to serve on outreach teams to widows and single moms.
• Encourage father/son and father/daughter missions’ trips.
• Hold father/daughter events. If a young girl has no father or father figure in her life, encourage an approved leader in the church to spend this special day with her.

[1] This phenomenon began in the mid to late 1990s with the seminal work: Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem, by David Blankenhorn.

[2] America First Policy Institute. ISSUE BRIEF: Fatherlessness and its effects on American society, May 15, 2023. By: Jack Brewer

© Dr. Paul Pettit

This post first appeared in NewCommandment.org.

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Learn how to form teams of men for every widow, single mom

and fatherless child in your church at NewCommandment.org.

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