Miriam Neff is the founder of Widow Connection and author of “From One Widow to Another: Conversations on the New You.”
Herb: Miriam, how did you become burdened to start this ministry for widows?
Miriam: Well, who would want to start a widow’s ministry? It just doesn’t sound positive. Who would sign up for that? I certainly wouldn’t. However, when I became a widow more than seven years ago, I looked for comfort. And because I’m a Christ follower, I looked at Scripture. And a hundred and three verses say God loves us widows and other believers should be kind of looking out for us and we should stay connected with the church and connected with God. And I wasn’t finding that and I wasn’t experiencing any of that.
So what happens in life is that often, when you experience a void, God taps you on the shoulder and asks you what you’re going to do about it. That’s the answer in a few sentences.
Now, to start a website and think, “Okay, this is inexpensive. We’ll just do a website with good resources. It’s free and people can read about grief and download free budget forms so they can get their finances in order.” That’s where we started.
But I traveled the world with my husband Bob and I couldn’t forget what I’d seen in Africa. And, eventually, besides having small groups here for widows and providing DVDs to help them through their grief, along with books and study guides, I also travel overseas now. We serve widows there. We teach them the skill of tailoring. And then we go away and leave them with a skill. And these young widows, who sometimes have eight dependents, can walk with their shoulders back. They can make school uniforms to sell, they can barter, they can mend. And now they know that we did this form them because God loves them. So it brings it all back to God to begin with, Who is the One who does heal us.
Herb: Why do you think churches have such a difficult time ministering to widows?
Miriam: There are two main reasons. One is that people don’t like to think about death. When they see me and they don’t see Bob next to me, they’re facing something they’re uncomfortable with. In eight out of ten marriages, the man is going to die first, leaving the woman alone. And our average age is fifty-two. So this is something that should be planned for. But people don’t like to think about it. It’s not popular. It’s not cool. It’s cool to be many things in this world, but a widow, that’s not one of them. And that’s part of why we need to be supportive and encouraged and mentored so we don’t make stupid mistakes. Widows are not a fashion statement.
The other reason churches have a difficult time ministering to widows is because people just don’t understand. In our culture we kind of shy away from death and traditions that go along with it. So people aren’t comfortable with widowhood and it reminds them of something they don’t want to face. Thus they don’t know what to say and they don’t know what to do. And I can step in and tell people I can help them with that. I can give you seven tips on ways to interact with widows. This is what she’s going to need.
And one of the reasons I love what you’re doing is that you’re doing precisely that. It’s called New Commandment Men’s Ministries and you serve many people, but you understand that widow and the fact that she might be letting her living space go, maybe because she’s just so sad or maybe because she doesn’t have money that month to fix this or that. So you’re walking the James 1:27 thing. You’re walking it, Herb. I love that.
Herb: So widows need more than just projects done for them, they need relationship.
Miriam: They do. And as I studied Scripture for widows, in the Old Testament they needed justice, they needed people not to take advantage of them, they needed a way to support themselves, and that was sometimes taken away, they needed people to walk beside them and let them know that the void doesn’t have to stay empty. You can have new friends, you can have new relationships. And you go to the New Testament and it’s all the same things: a judge wouldn’t give a widow her day in court.
It’s the same things in the New Testament and it’s the same things today, whether it’s in the United States where someone tries to help a widow invest the proceeds of her life insurance policy and they have one eye on the door. Or in Africa, where they say, “That was my brother’s land. I’m taking it back.”
So the needs are the same categories today and I see that. You see that too. So one of the things we want to do is educate people about it. Educate families and churches: Here?s what’s going on. Now what are you going to do about it? And if you don’t know how to do that, let me help you. We’ve got the resources.
Herb: Do you see a difference in the way churches in Africa treat their widows as opposed to churches in America?
Miriam: It’s sketchy. There are churches where they do care for their widows. In one part of Africa where I’m doing some of my projects, there’s a church that is so incredibly tuned in to helping their widows. But in others, like here, they have other things to do. There are other pressing needs. Orphans tend to get more attention than widows. And I’m not opposed to that at all. My husband and I have supported orphans. But it doesn’t stop there. What about that mom who may still be alive but had to give up those children because she couldn’t feed them any more?
Herb: I’ve heard the statistic that half of all Christian widows stop attending church.
Miriam: The statistic is that within that first year of widowhood, fifty per cent of those women stop attending the church they attended with their husbands. Now what we don’t know is where they went. For some they find a different church because they find it hard. Maybe they were an elder,s wife or even harder, a pastor’s wife, or, like in my case, Bob and I served as ushers. We stood on opposite sides of an isle. And I saw him there. You know how hard that would be. I can’t do that again. So you have to find a new way to connect with your church. And some churches help facilitate that and some act as if she’s not there. Some widows feel invisible in the church where they were. And some unfortunately probably don’t reconnect because it’s too painful.
Herb: What kind of advice would you give to a widow as far as bringing the need for a ministry to widows to the attention of their pastor or church leadership?
Miriam: First of all, hopefully they will be attentive to her request to just talk with them. And it may be that it doesn’t start with a pastor. It may be that it starts with a trusted deacon or elder where she can just say, “Let me just tell you what we;re experiencing. And let me share it in the context of James 1:27.” That’s an important verse, but you don’t hear it a lot. And let them know what you’re experiencing.
And then if they have a group where that widow can go, whether it’s grief share or other kinds of losses, that’s really helpful because they have a common bond with other people and they can help each other see clearly maybe wrong choices they might be tempted to make and get through that. If they don’t have that, my organization has the resources for that.
But a lot of widows, sometimes if the church doesn’t step up, she can do that within her own home. We have one young widow, she’s 42 years old. She wasn’t able to come to our group because she worked on Saturdays. But she decided when a couple of other women were widowed in her neighborhood to just have those women over to her home. And that has grown and become an evangelistic tool because, frankly, very few people are trying to help widows. It surprises people that they’re meeting together and getting encouraged, you’re laughing. Your humor is weird but you’re laughing. Count me in.
Herb: I imagine widows have different personalities and therefore different ways of dealing with grief. Do you address that in your material?
Miriam: First of all, all women are different. So when you become a widow, you’re still the person you were before. So one of the things we say in our group ministry is that you don’t compare with each other. One woman may come and sit down in the group and say nothing and cry the whole first session. It doesn’t mean she’s not hearing. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t need the group. And another one will talk about what happened that past week and ask for advice about it. So we say, “Don’t compare.”
The grief process is different just as marriages are different. Marriages are strong, weak, long, short. And a lot of times people assume things about a marriage and they may or may not be true. So we just say we accept widows where they are and tell them about some of the things we’ve found that have helped us get through this. And we’ve been down that road, so we know what we’re talking about.
Herb: If you were a pastor reading this, what kind of advice would you give him for starting a ministry to widows?
Miriam: First of all, the Bible says to do it. It’s not one of those things, maybe we should, maybe we shouldn’t. I sympathize with pastors. They have so much on their plate. But the pastor doesn’t have to do it. Find some godly woman who can make the call and make the connection and determine what these women need. And then get these women together and if you don’t have someone read scripture on how to deal with grief or on how to get your finances in order, contact us at widowconnection.com. We will help you with that.
Herb: Do you see churches where this becomes an outreach for, not just widows in the church, but also widows in the community?
Miriam: Absolutely. In fact, in a couple of our groups, only about half of the women are from the church. No one else is doing this. So a relative becomes a widow, or someone in their neighborhood does and they bring them there. And sometimes they have kind of a fuzzy idea of who God is, sometimes they have no idea who God is. And in our groups we learn God loves us incredibly right in this spot. So it’s an outreach. People have become believers because they discover God in these widow’s groups. That’s fabulous. And we find that in Africa as well. When you’re acting like a Christ follower, people are drawn to that. Now they’re not always drawn to the talk, but they sure are drawn to the walk.
Herb: So here’s a hypothetical situation: The church has been doing a successful widow’s ministry for five years. What does a successful widow’s ministry look like after five years.
Miriam: Here’s what I see. Typically, some of the first widows who are involved in that first ministry become the future leaders. This is incredible because that woman can look at the other women in the room and say she’s been down that road. Now many of the people who were in that first group have moved on and we want that. Because, when they get healed and whole and they’ve become the new person they are, God has things for them to do. Certainly I know that in my life. He has things for me to do and my calendar is pretty filled. God may move them into jobs or volunteering or whatever.
So typically, a woman doesn’t keep coming to the group for long. She comes as long as she needs to get firmly in Scripture regarding her grief, regarding family relationships that were broken, people who hurt her feelings, she’s got her finances in order. She’s ready to move on.
But there are 800,000 new widows every year in the United States. So there will be new people coming to that group all the time. The dangerous jobs, firefighting, policemen, military, these are guy’s jobs primarily. The young women who come to our groups come from all kinds of different backgrounds of loss: cancer, automobile accidents. Still they need to heal from their loss. So the group will still be doing the same thing, teaching about how much God loves us and how to deal with those issues, but different people will come and table leaders will change and new people will be healed and become the table leader next year. And that’s how that goes. But the one constant is the Word of God and His continual love for us. That doesn’t change.
Herb: So your material facilitates this process. What’s the name of your web site?
Miriam: WidowConnection.com and the DVD that many churches are using now is “From One Widow to Another: Conversations About the New You.” We have a book, a DVD and a journal. I’m a retired educator. I love questions and filling in the blank. I want to write down who is in my group that week and what we prayed for. So it’s helpful if everyone has a journal, but you don’t need to have one. But it’s a journal so you can follow along and take home the concepts and read again. So we have those materials available and I am finding that God has used a huge loss in my life to do something that brings me huge joy and a lot of good things to do.
Herb: Miriam, it’s been a pleasure to talk with you about a mutual burden that we have.
Miriam: And I say to you, Herb, keep doing what you’re doing. I love what you’re doing. And I’m so glad you’re doing that. I think we’re complimentary.
Since 2003 New Commandment Men’s Ministries has helped hundreds of churches throughout North America and around the world recruit teams of men who permanently adopt widows, single moms and fatherless children in their congregations for the purpose of donating two hours of service to them one Saturday morning each month. We accomplish this with a free training site called New Commandment Men’s Ministry Learn how to mobilize your men’s ministry to meet every pressing need in your church at newcommandment.org.
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Learn how to form teams of men for every widow, single mom
and fatherless child in your church at NewCommandment.org.
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