On Treating Church Members as Actual Family Members

I am writing you these instructions so that… you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God’s household. 1 Timothy 3:14, 15

A crisis of loneliness plagues America. Consider the following recent headlines: “3 out of 5 Americans are Lonely” (National Public Radio), “COVID-19 is Making America’s Loneliness Epidemic Even Worse” (Time), “Loneliness in America: How the Pandemic has Deepened an Epidemic of Loneliness” (Harvard).

In a recent article on this subject in Yahoo News, Damon Linker, senior correspondent at TheWeek.com writes:

“…our country’s networks of sociality have become attenuated in recent decades. Rates of church attendance and religious identification are in a state of free fall. Other communal institutions, including marriage and family but also extending to clubs, unions, and fraternal organizations, have been declining for decades as well. Perhaps most alarming of all, recent studies have shown that people are making fewer friends, with unprecedented numbers claiming to be entirely friendless. No doubt this has gotten worse as the result of the enforced isolation of the pandemic.”¹

Americans are Lonely because of Our Radical Individualism

One of the reasons for these superficial relationships is because Enlightenment influenced American culture views people as individuals who are whole and entire in and of themselves. Like a giant puzzle where all the pieces are the same in shape and color, it doesn’t matter which piece goes where because they can fit anywhere. Thus, being a part of the puzzle doesn’t give an individual piece any additional meaning. In the same way, being a part of American culture doesn’t bestow on individuals any additional meaning.

For example, we read in the Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, namely Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”

This Enlightenment view of humanity asserts individuals can fulfill themselves without any particular kind of relationships to other individuals around them. Rather, they can form any relationship they want, so long as they make themselves happy. But taken as a whole these random relationships can have a very unhappy result.

“Our national creed,” writes Damon Linker in TheWeek.com, “frees us to pursue happiness as we wish. But who among us really knows how to be happy — especially in an age of declining religious observance and the weakening of other communal institutions?”²

Linker concludes that — and judging from the alarming rates of depression, suicide, and drug and alcohol addiction we see in America he seems to be spot on – American individualism often results in meaninglessness.

“…Americans appear to be losing their way in the world, anxiously pursuing a happiness that eludes them, and ending up drawn to toxic chemical and ideological substitutes for relief from the misery of a disconnected, purposeless existence. Which might just be another way of saying that radical individualism is hard — and quite possibly a burden too heavy for many of us to bear.”³

Americans are Lonely because We have Strayed from our Biblical Roots

Therefore, in our search for answers to this loneliness epidemic, I suggest we think biblically and theologically about this issue.

The Bible, that document at the foundation of Western civilization for 1,700 years, teaches us that reality is multi-personal, not “uni-personal,” to coin a phrase. That is, all reality is based on the one God who is holy and who is love. God’s holiness and love are expressed in a Trinity of three persons,⁴ comprised of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. A uni-personal God cannot love in and of himself. But a tri-personal God can…and does.

Therefore, biblically speaking, when we Americans define ourselves as entirely independent entities, as self sufficient in and of ourselves, we are in conflict with reality itself.

We observe this contrast between the individual as a self-contained unit and the individual as part of a whole in the story of creation.

In the Bible, the Triune God creates Adam as an individual. But, reflecting the true nature of all reality, God states, “it is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). That is, Adam was not a self-sustaining unit. To correct the situation, God creates woman to fulfill “the man,” and to become one with him in marriage. As a result of Adam and Eve becoming one in marriage, they beget children “after their kind.”

Thus, their union accurately reflects the multi-personal nature of God himself: “This is the book of the generations of Adam. When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. Male and female he created them, and he blessed them and named them Man when they were created.” Genesis 5:1-2

People in the Old Testament Always Viewed Themselves as Part of a Greater Whole: Their Family, Clan, Tribe, Nation

Therefore, unlike modern American culture, the Old Testament always considers individuals as part of a greater whole; individuals are a part of their family, which in turn is a part of their clan, which in turn is a part of their tribe, which in turn is a part of their nation. These relationships confer meaning to the individual by showing them where they belong, what they are supposed to do with their lives, and how they contribute to the success of the whole. Mere self-fulfillment was a wholly foreign concept to them.

Using our puzzle analogy above, as pieces of a puzzle who are unique in shape and color, people in the Old Testament have no meaning until they are understood in their proper relation to the other pieces of the puzzle.

As Christians, Our Greater Whole is Our Local Church, the Universal Body of Christ, Angels in Heaven, The Kingdom of God

In the New Testament, believers are also always seen as part of a greater whole, but the nature of what the whole is changes radically from the family-clan-tribe-nation conception of wholeness we see in the Old Testament to the concept of wholeness as spiritually born-again believers forming together the church, which in turn is united to Jesus Christ as his body, which in turn joins with God’s holy angels to form the kingdom of heaven.

Thus, the church transcends nations and tribes and clans and families. And because it does, neither geography nor culture nor race define the church. Instead, its members find their identity and purpose in the way they relate to Jesus Christ and in the way they relate to each other.

There is a reason for this change from family-clan-tribe-nation to believer-Jesus Christ-the church-angels-kingdom of heaven.

The Old Testament records the history of the failure of the family, the clan, the tribe, and the nation – the Book of the Generations of Adam – to pass down spiritual life, beginning with the sordid story of Cain murdering Abel and ending with the hereditary and mostly godless kings of Israel and Judah.

This spiritual infertility made establishing the kingdom of heaven on earth impossible. The Old Testament teaches us that relying on natural progeny for spiritual propagation is like trying to start a forest fire in a rainforest. One might succeed in getting a tree here and there to burn but getting the trees to pass the fire on to other trees doesn’t happen because of what is inside and around the trees: abundant water.

In the same way, in the Old Testament we see individual flames of spiritual fire burning brightly here and there, but the fire never spreads and takes hold permanently and eventually burns out. Why? Because of what is inside and around people: abundant sin.

Thus, in the Gospels, Jesus “gives up” on the family, the clan, the tribe, and even the nation as expressions of integrated personhood. Instead, he forms something completely different: the church.

Because of Our New Greater Whole, We are to Treat Fellow Believers as Actual Family Members

Jesus’ vision for the church is that of a group of believers who are spiritually born again through faith in him, and who then come together as a church and love each other as he has loved us (John 13:34-35). As a result of their love for each other, these believers treat each other as actual family members.

And what is the supreme expression of actual family members who love each other? They care for each other, especially for their elderly family members. The following table compares Jesus’ teaching and practice on this subject.

Jesus’ Teaching on Believers as Actual Family Members

Jesus’ Application of Believers as Actual Family Members

“While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, ‘Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.’ He replied to him, ‘Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?’ Pointing to his disciples, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.’” Matthew 12:46-50

“Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, ‘Woman, here is your son’ and to the disciple, ’Here is your mother.’ From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.” John 19:25-27

Note that Jesus had four half-brothers and at least two half-sisters (Mark 6:3). All of Jesus’ brothers came to faith in him after his resurrection (Acts 1:14). And yet Jesus entrusted Mary to John, not to his own siblings. Why? Because Jesus regards those who believe in him and obey him as his actual brothers and sisters. (Compare Matthew 28:10, “Go tell my brothers…,” and Romans 8:29 where Jesus is “the first born among many brothers and sisters” NIV.)

Because Jesus had taught that the spiritual reality of born again family members transcends the relationships of physically born family members, John and Mary knew exactly what Jesus meant when he said to them, “Woman, here is your son,” and to John, “Here is your mother.”

As a result, the early church took to heart Jesus’ teaching and this example of John adopting Jesus’ mother Mary. For example, below is Paul restating Jesus’ teaching on believers as actual family members, along with Paul’s extended application of this truth.

Paul’s Teaching on Believers as Actual Family Members

Paul’s Application of Believers as Actual Family Members

“Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father*. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” 1 Timothy 5:1,2 (*lit., “but exhort him as a father,” not “as if he were your father.”)

“Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives. Give the people these instructions, so that no one may be open to blame. Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the Lord’s people, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds.As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to. So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander. Some have in fact already turned away to follow Satan.If any woman who is a believer has widows in her care, she should continue to help them and not let the church be burdened with them, so that the church can help those widows who are really in need.” 1 Timothy 5:3-16

Notice that Paul in 1 Timothy 5:1,2 parallels closely Jesus’ teaching that church members are to be regarded as actual family members. And then, immediately following verse 3, he duplicates Jesus’ application of this teaching with John caring for Mary by giving extensive instructions on how we are to “treat older women as mothers” in 5:3-16.

These detailed instructions on how the church must treat its widows, along with the establishment of an ordained diaconate whose sole purpose is to serve them (Acts 6:1-6; 1 Timothy 3:8-16), illustrate how seriously the early church took both Jesus’ teaching on church members as actual family members and his practice of this truth when he entrusted his widowed mother Mary to John instead of to his brothers.

The Modern Church has Failed to Follow Jesus’ Teaching and the Early Church’s Example

Unfortunately, the modern church has failed to follow Jesus’ clear and explicit teaching. Nor has it followed the early church’s example. Sadly, over the past nineteen years, as I have interacted with hundreds of churches around the world on the subject of serving widows, single moms and fatherless children, I have found only one church that has a widows list as Paul describes at great length in 1 Timothy 5. The vast majority of churches are out of compliance with – or perhaps I should say, disobedient to – this teaching.

Clearly, we modern American church members view ourselves as family members only in an aspirational way. We like to think of ourselves as family members. But actually treating each other as real family members by taking full fiduciary responsibility for our “widows indeed” rarely happens.

Instead, our actions speak louder than our words. In practice, we still see ourselves as independent entities who are free to seek our own happiness in our own way. With our radical individualism, we have, quite literally, “turned everyone to his own way” (Isaiah 53:6) and completely ignored the needs of widows in our churches.

As a result, we have nothing to show our increasingly isolated and alienated culture other than superficial relationships.

Caring for widows we are not related to other than by faith is a uniquely Christian practice that marks us out as a spiritual family, as members of the body of Christ, and as fellow citizens of the kingdom of God. Until the currently rare practice of caring for widows as our own mothers becomes common throughout the church, we will never make headway in influencing our culture.

This post first appeared in NewCommandment.org.

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Learn how to form teams of men for every widow, single mom

and fatherless child in your church at NewCommandment.org.