This post is part of a series entitled, “A Comprehensive Church-Based Widows Ministry.”
The first step in meeting the pressing needs of widows in the church is finding out what those pressing needs are. The person who knows the congregation best — usually the pastor or, in larger congregations, the staff member in charge of congregational care — should make a list of all the widows in the church and then, in conjunction with the newly focused and trained deacons, do what I call a “needs analysis.”
In my experience, there are at least three types of pressing needs that widows often struggle with as a result of their husband’s death: emotional and spiritual trauma, social isolation, and financial deprivation.
Each widow in the church needs to be evaluated to determine their level of exposure to these three possible types of needs.
Is there Emotional and Spiritual Trauma?
The first widow I ever ministered to was Alice. Her husband had recently died and I remember going to her home on different occasions to try to console her. But she was inconsolable. “Some widows are glad their husband died. But I loved my husband and I miss him terribly,” she would tell me.
Alice was right. A few widows are indeed glad their husband has died. But for the majority of widows, the death of their husband is a tragic, gut wrenching event. Whether the death happened suddenly, or was because of a long illness, the end result is the same: loss. Loss of a person. Loss of relationship. Loss of love. And loss of companionship.
The question to ask here is, as you have observed your widows individually over time, how well are they adjusting to widowhood.
Is there Social Isolation?
By definition, a widow is going to be more socially isolated after the death of her husband. But often widowhood isolates a woman from others as well. Perhaps she and her husband had couples as friends. Those couples can feel awkward around their newly widowed friend and drift away.
Sometimes widows self-isolate by no longer attending church and no longer associating with friends.
Sometimes widows have no surviving family members, or their adult children and grandchildren may not live in close proximity to them, or they may be estranged from their mother and refuse to help with her support.
Is there Financial Deprivation?
Widowhood often also means reduced income. Finances are a sensitive subject for most women. But the telltale signs of financial distress soon manifest themselves, such as undone house maintenance, lack of funds for a car repair, and multiple requests for financial help from the benevolence committee.
Then Prioritize the Need
Now take the list of widows in your church and make a second list, prioritizing the widows from the first list.
Any widows who are struggling with deep emotional issues, who are completely isolated — without any friends or family members to help them out — and who are receiving only minimal Social Security, should go at the very top of the list. They are the ones who need immediate and extensive help.
On the other hand, widows who are handling their grief well, who have helpful friends and family members interacting with them on a regular basis, and who are relatively well off financially, should go on the bottom. They shouldn’t be ignored, of course, but their needs are not as severe as those on top.
Other widows will be stronger in one or two categories and less strong in one or two more. For example, a widow may be self sufficient financially, but completely isolated. She shouldn’t be ignored just because she has enough to live on.
Or a widow may be happy and well connected with the church, her friends, and family, but suffering financially. That need should be addressed by the church for her as well.
This process of needs analysis for widows in the church should be done at least annually, if not more often.
Widows who are Really in Need
“Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need….
If any woman who is a believer has widows in her care, she should continue to help them and not let the church be burdened with them, so that the church can help those widows who are really in need.” 1 Timothy 5:3, 16
Now, take concrete action to meet these needs.
With Respect to Emotional and Spiritual Trauma
In the past, the pastor and pastoral staff were regarded as the primary care providers for those grieving over the loss of a loved one. While in many ways pastors still fulfill this role, God has also raised up some excellent ministries to help new widows navigate the treacherous waters of grief.
GriefShare
GriefShare (griefshare.org) provides church-based support groups for people who have suffered loss. The groups meet once a week. Participants watch a video by an expert on grief and afterwards discuss the material that was presented. During the week, the support group participants spend time journaling to help them sort out their feelings.
Stephen Ministries
Stephen Ministries (stephenministries.org) is another effective and well known ministry that has been around for forty-five years. Stephen Ministries trains lay members in a congregation to walk alongside others in the church who are going through difficult times. A care receiver meets with their Stephen Minister for one hour once a week to share their burdens with them.
Quoting from its website: “Stephen Ministry offers a proven and effective way to organize, equip, and supervise a team of congregation members—called Stephen Ministers—to provide high-quality, one-to-one, Christ-centered care to people in the congregation and the community experiencing life difficulties.”
Widow Connection
Widow Connection (widowconnection.com), founded by Miriam Neff, provides resources for new widows in the form of books, DVDs, journals, and a radio podcast that is heard on 1,200 stations. Her book, From One Widow to Another, Conversations on the New You, is an excellent resource for new widows.
Pastoral Counseling and Home Visitation
Most pastors have received some form of training in pastoral counseling and make themselves available for counseling sessions. In advanced cases of psychological trauma, pastors normally refer out to psychologists and psychiatrists.
Some churches still make in-home visits, which can be very comforting and also valuable in better assessing the needs of the widow.
With Respect to Social Isolation
Affinity and Life Stage Groups
Affinity groups are groups that are centered around common interests. A church quilting group is an affinity group that widows sometimes form. Life stage groups, on the other hand, are groups centered on a specific life stage, like teens, young adults, and married with children. Churches often provide a life stage group for widows and widowers.
Intergenerational Ministry
Church ministries, especially life stage ministries, tend to be “siloed Ministries.” That is, they can isolate believers into their own groups that have little relation to each other, resulting in limiting the kinds of relationships widows have with other believers in the church.
Intergenerational ministry, on the other hand, seeks to mix people in different life stages so they can learn from, and minister to, each other. Every generation, whether young or old, has something to offer and something to gain from others.
Mixing generations in small home groups can be an excellent way to create intergenerational ministry.
A Chosen Generation (achosengeneration.info), founded by Dr. Chuck Stecker, helps churches adjust their programming to accomplish intergenerational ministry.
Nursing Home Weekly Bible Studies
As widows age, they often move into local nursing homes. One way my former pastor maintained contact with our church members in our neighborhood nursing home was to hold a weekly Bible study in the facility at noon on Wednesdays. I’ve often thought that this was an excellent way to maintain contact with our seniors in the home as well as giving him an opportunity to reach out to the other residents.
Men’s Team Ministry
Imagine being a widow and having your own team of four men show up at your door on a Saturday morning to do whatever needs to be done around your home, and then they come back every month for as long as you need them.
Through its online membership training site called Meeting to Meet Needs (newcommandment.org), New Commandment Men’s Ministries provides this type of ministry. It helps churches recruit, train, organize and deploy teams of men who permanently adopt widows and others with long term needs in their church. You can watch this introductory video to learn more.
With Respect to Financial Deprivation
Benevolence Ministry Vs. Long-Term Financial Support for Widows
When it comes to the financial security of older widows in the congregation, churches in the United States have taken a standoff approach to helping them. The unspoken assumptions are that widows have Social Security and probably their own retirement funds to rely on.
If those resources aren’t enough, widows can possibly work and/or get help from their adult children or other relatives. And finally, if there is a financial emergency beyond even those resources, widows can get temporary help from the church benevolence committee.
Unfortunately, many widows in the U.S. live on minimal Social Security alone. According to the U. S. Census Bureau, almost a million widows live on less than $11,756 in annual income. I am certain that a good percentage of those widows attend churches.
These widows are in dire need and require more from the church than just one time outlays from the benevolence committee every now and then. Instead, they need regular financial support from the church.
But how can the church possibly provide ongoing financial support for its widows? My answer is that the church is already doing something very similar to that.
Most churches have missionaries that they support financially with large missionary budgets. If a church can do that for missionaries, then why not for its widows?
In addition, individuals within churches often also support missionaries. If individuals can do that, then why can’t individual church members also consider supporting widows of their choosing?
Another example of the church providing support for individuals is Compassion International, where members of churches adopt children in foreign countries and provide them with monthly financial support. Again, if individuals can financially support foreign children, then why not their own widows?
Estimate a Supplemental Stipend for Widows
At this point, the newly focused and trained deacons need to step in and research what the true poverty level is for their region and propose a supplemental amount of money for their widows who are on minimal Social Security.
Assign Widows to a Widows List
Deacons are also responsible for which widows should receive the supplemental stipend using the widows list of qualifications in 1 Timothy 5 as a guide. Special attention should be given to contacting the children (and other relatives) of the widow for the purpose of reminding them of their responsibility to support their mother (1 Timothy 5:8).
Create a Church Budget Line Item for Widows
And finally, once the church has gone through these steps, it needs to fund the widows ministry by including a line item for widows in its annual budget. Nothing says commitment like a budget line item.
By systematically approaching the individual needs of each of the widows in your church you should eventually be able to say, “There is no needy person among us.”
This post first appeared in NewCommandment.org.
Since 2003 New Commandment Men’s Ministries has helped hundreds of churches throughout North American and around the world recruit teams of men who permanently adopt their widowed and single parents in their congregations for the purpose of donating two hours of service to them one Saturday morning each month. We accomplish this with a free training site called New Commandment Men’s Ministry
Learn how to mobilize your men’s ministry to meet every pressing need in your church here.
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Learn how to form teams of men for every widow, single mom
and fatherless child in your church at NewCommandment.org.
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