Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Across the country this weekend dads will open presents containing socks, ties, or gift cards for Father’s Day. Others will enjoy grilling outdoors or attending a sporting event. It is normally a time of warm and genuine gratitude for dads who did their best. But for others, it is a sad weekend remembering the real harm their own father inflicted on their family.
A bell curve for dads
In my role as a seminary professor who teaches a course on men’s ministry, I have my students write an interesting self-reflection paper. I ask them to consider the impact the various men in their life have made on them. These men often include dads, uncles, grandfathers, coaches, pastors, teachers, and others. Most students begin their paper reflecting upon their own dad. The first section of the paper calls for reflection upon positive impact. The second half asks them to reflect upon negative impact.
Imagine a bell curve showing father effectiveness on a chart. Of course, no father is perfect. Some dads fall on the effective, positive side, and could be labeled great dads. The larger group, in the middle of the bell curve, were present, had strengths and weaknesses, and are simply average dads who tried to do what they could to be good dads. Unfortunately, on the other side of the curve are dysfunctional dads who left a mostly negative impact. It is the impact of these negative dads which I want to address in this post.
First person accounts of bad dads
One student wrote, “at the age of thirteen, my father introduced me to drugs.” Several recorded, “our family was split up when my father committed infidelity.” And many have written, “I never really got to know my dad at a deep or emotional level because he was absent most of the time.”
For those of you who could nod along with these negative examples I’ll ask you a deep, penetrating question, “Have you ever come to the point in your walk with Jesus where you’ve determined to forgive your earthly father for the damage or negative impact he left on your life? In my work with men over the years I’ve encountered many men who are still bitter and hold on to anger directed toward their dad. This bitterness, of course, leads to additional negative issues. Someone has said, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison in the hope it harms the other person.”
Consider forgiving your father
I’m not going to ask you to forgive your earthly father. I’m asking you to consider forgiving your earthly father. First, you may never understand all the negative influences your dad encountered. Second, holding onto unforgiveness does you no good. And third, God asks us to forgive those who have wronged us. Mark 11:25 – “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
How we view our father influences how we view our Father
This may not be the cheery, upbeat Father’s Day article you were expecting to read. The truth is: we build our view of God the Father through the smudged lens of our own earthly father. If you are in the group experiencing the negative effects of a bad dad, I’m so sorry you went through those difficult days. I also know God is not the kind of father you experienced. Each of us experienced a father who was flawed in some way. Again, there are no perfect dads. But our Father in heaven is perfect in every way. James 1:17 – “Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.”
This Father’s Day, celebrate your own dad. And if you are one who dreads Father’s Day, consider forgiving your dad. You’ll be glad you did.
© Dr. Paul Pettit
This post first appeared in NewCommandment.org.
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