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Summary

Numbering in the millions, single moms represent a huge segment of American society that is largely unreached and underserved by the church. The Bible has much to say about single moms. Therefore, the church should focus attention on single moms, and not just on nuclear families. While there are many types of single moms with different needs, all single moms do share many spiritual, emotional, social, and practical needs that the church can easily provide. There are several national parachurch organizations and local churches that have significant ministries to single moms that we can learn from and utilize. Specific steps on how to start a ministry to single moms include preparation, implementation and execution.

I. Single Moms in America

The blight of single moms in America is a national badge of shame. Once a mere blip on the demographic radar, beginning in the 1960's, single mother family units increased in number so rapidly that by the beginning of the twentieth century one out of every four children in the U.S. were born to unwed moms.

The result is that the United States now leads every country in the world in its rate of single mother households. (See "The Current State of Single Motherhood in America.")

We can trace the cause in this decline in the nuclear family and the subsequent increase in single mom families to the rise of a post Christian culture in the 1960's.

This culture replaced a theistic world view with a materialistic world view resulting in a rejection of the Christian sex ethic. (See "Single Motherhood in America: How We Got Here.")

Therefore, when it comes to single moms ministry, the church must realize that it is swimming up stream against a culture that no longer accepts it as authoritative and yet desperately needs what it has to offer.

How the church responds to this single mom crisis -- if it responds at all -- will go a long way toward restoring its credibility.

Single Moms by the Numbers (U.S.)

• 11 - Number of single parent families in millions
• 80 - Percent of single parent families headed by moms
• 34 - Percent of single moms who are poor
• 26 - Percent of single moms out of work
• 50 - Percent of single moms who have never married
• 30 - Percent of single moms who are divorced
• 20 - Percent of single moms who are separated or widowed

III. The Church, Nuclear Families,

and Single Moms

How the Mirage of Perfect Nuclear Families in Contemporary Churches Alienates Single Moms

Walk into any church in America and you will immediately notice one thing: it is all about nuclear families (i.e., a husband and a wife who are married and raise their own children to adulthood), usually to the exclusion of other ministries such as widows, single mothers, and the disabled.

You will see smiling couples walking through the front door with their well mannered children trailing behind. Inside there is a nursery for infants and toddlers and Sunday School classes for children up through middle school and high school.

Open the bulletin and you will notice that besides the senior pastor and support staff, there is also a youth pastor and a director of Christian Education.

All of this is designed for one thing: to attract young couples who want the church to help them raise a perfect family.

Now let me stop here and say that this is great! It is a good thing that young couples want to raise healthy and godly children who know and love Jesus Christ. It is also a good thing that churches hire staff and program ministries to help them do this.

However, there are a couple of problems with this exclusive and idealistic nuclear family emphasis, the first being that there are no perfect nuclear families.

Some of those couples you see walking through the front door of that church are in their second or third marriage, that is if they are married at all. Other couples are struggling and thinking about divorce. Some of the husbands -- in fact, a good percentage of them according to statistics -- are consuming porn online and maybe even acting it out with an affair or two. And a significant number of the children following those couples through the door of the church will fall away from the Lord once they reach adulthood.

A second problem with this exclusive and ideal nuclear family emphasis is that it is off-putting for people who are not a part of a nuclear family, especially for single moms.

Assume for a moment the perspective of a single mom visiting your church for the first time. When she sees all of those nuclear families in your church, she doesn't know about their issues that lie just below the surface. All she sees is what she assumes to be her ideal: perfect couples with their perfect children. Her conclusion, "I am a failure and I don't belong here."

Here is how John Walker, in his senior thesis at Liberty University, summarized his interviews with single moms about their experiences with the church.

“A lot of the single mothers felt ostracized by the church. They were at the church but were viewed as abnormal. Most received questions such as “where is your husband?” Some people did not know how to converse with them. In the church, there was not a place for single-parents. The focus of the singles group was not relative to the single-parents, while the adult group was full of married couples. They felt they were the outcast.” (Page 15, “A How-to Guide to Single Parent Ministry: An Inside Look to the Single Parent World in the Christian Community,” John E Walker II, Senior Thesis, Liberty University)

Now take a minute and assume the perspective of a couple with their young children who see that single mom with her children visiting their church. With regard to the nuclear family observing her, the single mom is immediately at a disadvantage.

The single mom is at a disadvantage because she cannot hide her issues behind the façade of a perfect marriage and family. The absence of her husband and the father of her children puts her issues right out there in the open.

The single mom, then, represents a threat to the church's nuclear family ideal. She represents failure. Though the married couple would not dare say it out loud, by their actions they telegraph to that single mom, "We don't want to be like you. You don't belong here."

Here is how John Walker summarized his interviews with pastors about their thoughts on single moms in their churches.

“Another aspect is that single-parents walk into the church, as one minister interviewed put it, “with an open sin.” The parent would walk into the church with everyone seeing that he/she most likely got a divorce or has marital issues. People could see that he/she was full of potential burdens. As a result, some of the members were very pharisaical in that they would reject single-parents as needy or sinful.” (Ibid., p. 15)

That is the message of rejection single moms get from churches across America and it explains two important statistics relating to the church and single moms: more than two-thirds of single moms do not attend church and less than 1% of churches have any kind of single moms ministry.

This means that the church has failed miserably in obeying all of the Scripture that applies to single moms and their fatherless children.

Jesus' True Family

"Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” Matthew 12:48-50

V. What Single Moms Need

Different Types of Single Moms have Different Needs

As I have mentioned before, single mothers come into their single mom role in many different ways.

Examples are widowed single moms, single moms who are actually single grandmothers, divorced single moms, never married single moms who are caring for a foster child or who have adopted a child, teen single moms who have never been in any kind of long term relationship with the father, and de facto single moms, such as mothers whose husbands are incarcerated and undocumented mothers whose husbands are in a foreign country and cannot immigrate.

In addition, all of these different types of single moms can be either Christian or non-Christian, which has a dramatic effect on how they view marriage and family, sex, procreation, the church and other issues.

Finally, one important and critical group of single moms that are often overlooked is single moms of special needs children. In many cases, the stress of meeting the needs of the special needs child has caused the parents to divorce, leaving the now single mother in a very precarious situation. The church needs to pay special attention to these single moms while not ignoring the others.

Single Moms Need A Single Moms Ministry that Welcomes All

"First love, then truth." Jesus' scandalous practice of loving and associating with the ostracized and downtrodden brought condemnation from the religious leaders of his day. Nothing has changed in the two thousand years since he ate meals with sinners and tax gatherers.

I challenge everyone reading this to resist the temptation to limit your single moms ministry to the single moms in your church. Instead, like Jesus, enlarge your single moms ministry to include the non-Christian single moms in your community as well. They need your ministry too. They probably need it more than anyone else.

But since many single moms are poor, needy, and often still "living in sin," like the religious leaders of Jesus' day, there will be people in your church who will not appreciate you reaching out to this class of people. My advice is just ignore them.

Critical Needs that Single Moms May not Know they Have (And that the Church can Easily to Meet)

If unchurched single moms knew what a church that truly knows how to minister to them can easily do for them, they would run as fast as they can to that church, dragging their children behind them. I know this because I have seen it happen.

Here are several of the critical needs that single moms may not know they have that the church is naturally equipped to meet.

• Single moms need to know the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ
• Single moms need a church that knows how to show them this love and forgiveness
• Single moms need a foundation for life based on the Bible
• Single moms need hope for the future and encouragement for the present
• Single moms need non-threatening entry points into the church
• Single moms need to be recognized, accepted and appreciated for the amazing women and mothers they are
• Single moms need nursery care and Christian education ministries for their children
• Single moms need adult role models for their children
• Single moms need positive child peers for their children
• Single moms need an extended family
• Single moms need a support group designed just for them
• Single moms need to know what godly men look like and what godly men do
• Single moms need project ministry for their vehicles and residences
• Single moms need relational ministry
• Single moms need consistent ministry over years
• Single moms need dating and remarriage advice
• Single moms need financial and legal advice
• Single moms need access to emergency financial assistance
• Single moms need help with accessing government and charitable resources
• Single moms need a base for networking when looking for work

Most of All, Single Moms Need to be Loved with the Love of Christ

"A New Commandment I Give You, Love one another as I have loved you. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35

After reading this passage several years ago I asked myself what it is that makes Christ's love so unique that when I practice it people will immediately recognize that I am his disciple.

After meditating on this question for a long time, I came to the conclusion that there are at least three unique qualities of Christ's love which immediately identify us as his followers. These three unique qualities are based on two central Christian doctrines: the Incarnation and Redemption. Here are those three unique qualities of Christ's love.

• Personal Identification
• Commitment
• Sacrifice

I am now going to describe these three qualities and how they relate to the way the church should love single moms.

The first unique quality of Christ's love -- personal identification -- is based on the doctrine of the Incarnation. In the Incarnation, God, in Jesus, became a human being. He lived our life the way we live our life and experienced everything we experience, "yet without sin."

The result of God identifying with the human race is increased communication and understanding. Because of the Incarnation, Jesus knows by his experience what it is like to live as a human being in a fallen world. As a result we have someone in heaven who intercedes for us, one who "knows our infirmities."

But because of God's identification with us, we also come to know him to a degree humanity never had before. "The Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld his glory."

So if we are going to love a single mom the way God has loved us, the way Christ has loved us, then the first thing we are going to have to do is identify with her so that we come to know and understand her. We not only know what her problems are, but why she has those problems. We see them in the context of her life.

The second unique quality of Christ's love -- commitment -- is also based on the doctrine of the Incarnation. After Jesus' resurrection and ascension into heaven, he did not lay aside his humanity and cease being a man. No, he continued being a man and he still is a man. He is a man in his glorified state. That is, while he always was God and always will be God, he became a man and now always will be a man.

In other words, the Incarnation was not a short term mission trip for Jesus, so to speak. He became a man permanently. He committed himself to us forever. "Love," 1 Corinthians 13 says, "never fails." And Jesus' love for us will never fail because he is committed to us.

So if we are going to love a single mom the way God loves us, the way Jesus loves us, then we need to demonstrate commitment to her for the long haul.

The third unique quality of Christ's love -- sacrifice -- is based on a different doctrine than the first two. It is based on the doctrine of redemption.

In redemption, God paid a debt we could not pay. "The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23). God, out of no obligation on his part, but because of his love for us, "gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes on him shall not perish, but have eternal life" (John 3:16).

If you have never put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ as the one who died on the cross for your sin, then I invite you to do so right now. Just pray to God in your heart and confess that you are a sinner and tell him that you are putting your faith in his Son to save you from the penalty of your sin. God's promise to you is that he will forgive you and give you eternal life.

So the death of Christ on the cross is redemptive. But the Bible tells us that the death of Christ is not just redemptive. It is also exemplary. Christ died to save us from our sins. This is true. But Christ also died to show us how to love.

"This is how we know what love is, Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters" (1 John 3:16).

So if we are going to love a single mom the way Christ loves us, then we not only need to identify with her and commit to her, we also need to sacrifice for her.

But if this is so, if we are commanded to love a single mom the way Christ loves us, and if this involves identifying with her, committing to her, and sacrificing for her, then how do we do this in actual practice?

In the next section, I explain how New Commandment Men's Ministries trains Christian men to do precisely this for single moms.

Single Moms, the Love of Christ, and Godly Men

When Jesus commanded his disciples to love each other as he loved them, he was not thinking of them as members of earthly families, but individually as members of his new family, the church.

Thus Jesus' command that we love each other as he has loved us is not delimited by gender, marital status, or family relationships. It is simply a command that we love each other without distinction.

New Commandment Men's Ministries, my ministry that I founded in 2003, takes this commandment quite literally, as the name implies. We train men how to show the love of Christ consistently and effectively over years to people with long term needs like single moms.

As I described in the previous section, we define the practice of the love of Christ as identifying with someone, committing to them, and sacrificing for them. In the case of single moms, we train men how to identify with, commit to, and sacrifice for them and their children.

We do this by helping churches recruit, train, organize and deploy teams of three to four men who permanently adopt single moms and others with long term needs.

We ask the teams to donate three hours of time one Saturday morning each month, usually from 7 to 10 am.

On that Saturday morning, all the teams meet together at their church at 7 am for an hour of Bible study, prayer and last minute planning. Then at 8 am they divide up into their teams and work around the home of their care receiver doing whatever needs to be done until 10 am, closing their time in group prayer.

Each month the teams return to the same care receiver for years long service. In this way the teams come to know and understand their care receiver well (personal identification). With their years of service they demonstrate commitment. And by serving her and being her advocate, they demonstrate sacrifice.

In the process, these godly men show faithfulness to their care receiver and her children, becoming amazing role models for them.

Over the twenty-five years that I have worked with churches, helping over 1,000 of them start men's team ministries, I have found that using men to serve single moms in this way is very healing for single moms since many of them have been abused and abandoned by men.

New Commandment Men's Ministries has a free online training site at NewCommandment.org that many churches across the country have used to start this ministry.

VII. How to Start a Single Moms Ministry

Maybe you are a single mom, or a pastor, or an elder in your church and you'd like to see something done for the single moms in your church and community. Here are some suggestions on how to go about starting a single moms ministry.

Preparation

Pray - Spend time in prayer asking the Lord to give you his mind and his heart for single moms. Intercede on behalf of the single moms in your church and community. Trust God for the people and resources to begin the ministry.

Research - Study what the Word has to say about single moms and fatherless children. Besides the passages cited in this article, there are many more helpful passages in the word of God about single moms.

Then study the organizations and churches listed above, as well as any others you may find. Make a list of what you are learning as you do this research. You may even choose one or two of these organizations to help you start your single moms ministry.

Introduce - Make an appointment with your pastor or appropriate staff person and share your burden for starting a single moms ministry and what resources are available to help the church begin. If you are a pastor, you may want to do some preaching on the importance of ministering to single moms.

Implementation

Form a Team - Teams spread out the work, provide continuity of leadership, and increase input and accountability. Find two or three other likeminded people who can help you start your single moms ministry. Make sure at least one single mom is on your team.

Set Goals - Always have specific goals for your single moms ministry. Here are two suggestions for goals: (1) To love single moms and their children into the Kingdom of God by meeting their short term and long term needs. (2) To sustain and equip Christian single moms in the church for godly parenting and service to others.

Develop a Long-Term Plan - This plan should include the kind of leadership structure you will have, what kind of meetings you will have, what resources you can provide, what outside resources you can recommend, how you will publicize your ministry, what funding you will need, and how you will raise it.

Simplify - Simplicity of ministry and ease of execution help guarantee that the ministry will last for decades and not just for a few years. Cut out anything extraneous and labor intensive. Focus on your real goals and review annually how well you are reaching them.

Get Church Approval - Make sure everything you do has prior approval from your church leadership.

Execution

Reach Out - Publicize your ministry in your church using the usual methods. But also reach out into the community by posting notifications where single parents go, such as laundromats, thrift stores, apartment complexes, and public playgrounds.

Also, be sure you have your own single moms ministry page on your church's website with thorough information about your ministry and a contact person with their name, email and picture. Make sure this page is professionally done.

Meet - Now it is time for your single moms to get together. According to Jennifer Maggio, founder of The Life of a Single Mom, single moms are usually very busy on weekdays, so weekends are best for meeting times. Be sure to provide childcare for your meeting.

Your meetings should enable single moms to relate with and make friends with other single moms, provide excellent spiritual input, and be chock full of advice, wisdom, and resources for them to utilize.

Provide Resources - Thoroughly research available resources in your church and community for single moms. Make these resources available on handouts at your meetings.

Serve - Many church men's ministries provide oil and oil filter changes once or twice a year. Some men's ministries inventory the skills of their men and then, when a single mom contacts the church with a need for something to be fixed in her home, the church contacts the man with the matching skill. I call oil change and skills inventory ministries project ministries.

The goal of New Commandment Men's Ministries is to help church men's groups get beyond project ministry into relational ministry by training churches how to provide teams of 3-4 men to single moms. These men serve around their care receiver's residence for two hours one Saturday morning every month, returning each month to the same care receiver for years long service.

In the end, we want to see unchurched single moms finding Jesus Christ as their savior and growing in their newfound faith with confidence and hope. We also want to see Christian single moms loved and accepted in the church for the amazing women that they are. And we want to see all single moms realizing that they may have lost a man in their home, but they have gained in their church a family that truly loves them with the love of Christ.