Pornography is the crabgrass in the lawn of men’s ministry. No matter how many seminars are held, how many books are written, how many messages are delivered, the problem just pops back up and gets worse. I’m no expert on treating Christian men addicted to porn (and a good percent are). But I do want to address the issue from time to time.
One huge question men have when facing this Goliath in their life is whether or not they should tell their wife.
The answer is yes, you should always tell your wife. The reason is because you will never completely overcome your pornography addiction until you become honest and transparent with yourself, with God, and with those around you.
But I want to throw out a suggestion and I’d like to get some feedback, especially if you’re a wife or if you have experience counseling men with this problem
My suggestion is that it might not be best to tell your wife immediately. The reason is because pornography is a betrayal. It may not be a physical betrayal. But it is a mental and emotional betrayal. Simply announcing to your wife out of the blue that you have a pornography addiction without having taken any other steps to address the problem may be an overwhelming relational tsunami for her.
Instead, my recommendation is that before telling your wife about your pornography addiction, you demonstrate that you have already taken steps to address the problem and have in fact been pornography free for, say, 6 months. In this way she will see that you are being transparent with her and have also owned the problem and are resolving it.
So this is what I suggest. Assuming you have already confessed your sin to God (probably many times), now confess it to a trusted friend, perhaps your pastor or other mature Christian man. (I would also suggest that you seek counseling from a well qualified Christian counselor and check out the excellent material available on this topic. You can start by reading my interview with Steve Etner.)
Then ask your friend if he will be an accountability partner with you. Ask him to meet with you on a regular basis, say once a week, and specifically quiz you about your porn addiction. In these meetings, talk about the Word of God. Talk about your struggles. Discuss moments of failure and what triggered them. Pray together. And tell your friend you are committing to tell your wife. Set a date, and then ask him to hold you accountable to that as well.
What you are doing in this process is demonstrating to your wife that you have re-established a pattern of faithfulness to her. It will still be very difficult for her to hear that you have been involved with pornography. But knowing that you have been successful in overcoming it for a significant amount of time will be a source of great comfort to her and form a foundation for healing.
This post first appeared in NewCommandment.org.
Are you a wife? Would you want to know immediately? Or would you prefer your husband take some steps toward healing first? Men, how about you? Do you think this approach is a good one? I’m really interested in what you all think about this. Please leave your comments below.
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3 thoughts on “Should You Tell Your Wife Immediately About Your Pornography Addiction?”
I like your approach, Herb. It’s actually the approach I used, even though I didn’t have your advice! The use of pornography is hard for our wives to understand, because generally they aren’t drawn to it in the way men are. I also think your approach of honesty, accountability, and prayer are spot on. I would also recommend Covenant Eyes, which is a Christian-based software that costs about $10/month that provides both filtering and accountability. I have a friend that holds me accountable using this software and I do the same for him. We also encourage one another! (and men need that, you already feel guilty enough about your sin).
I also agree that this an issue in men’s ministry that needs to be addressed in churches in a safe environment. Many, many men are struggling with this, and it is destroying marriages. Not all wives are understanding, because as you said, it is a betrayal, no question about it. As a man involved in leadership in a men’s ministry, I want to encourage all churches to address this! Satan is using it in a powerful way against the Body of Christ, and we need to stand firm and help our men overcome this with both grace and truth.
Someone sent me an email with the following excellent response. I’m posting it without attribution because I want my readers to see it:
Hi Herb,
Thanks for writing the article on a very tough, but a problem at epidemic levels in the church, let alone in society as a whole. Even writing about pornography or sexual strongholds and sin is a bold thing to do.
I’ve spent the last 5 1/2 years of my life mentoring, discipling and counseling (from the bible’s teaching) men caught up in the grips of pornography and sexual sins. It is very much a area with some very unique challenges and depth of problem.
You did ask for feedback and I’d like to share a few observations here. I’d be more than happy to visit with you by phone if you felt it would helpful to you. That said, I’ll do my best to be brief, yet make sure I’m being thoughtful in my response.
First: Yes, the wife absolutely needs to be told. Completely agree. I believe you will discover in asking others who work with men in the area of struggle that it’s quite often the wife who discovered the problem in the first place. Not always, but the majority (75% or more) of the cases I’ve encountered. In fact many of the men I’m mentoring now and in the past contacted me or our ministry at the wife’s strong insistence.
For the other 25% or so, I would guide the man to tell his wife very soon. If a man comes to me, tells me his wife doesn’t know (or thinks she doesn’t) my advice to them is to tell her as soon as reasonable. This may be a few days to a week depending on circumstances. Six months is far too long. Here’s why. If she discovers his porn problem in that six months and is then told he’s told other people about his struggle and left her out of the process, the potential for greater damage to the trust in the marriage to occur. Secrets are time bombs.
Secondly: For a man to become porn free for a six month period of time, for most men will take longer than six months. For some it’s a year or more before the man can be “sober”. That being; no porn, no masturbation and or fantasizing on a regular basis. And again, if she finds out before he tells her…kaboom. It will not be pretty.
If there is one person in our lives that we should be honest with first and always, it is our spouses. Especially during a time where trust has been damaged. Further secrets only make it worse.
Third: I will respectfully disagree with porn use not being a physical betrayal. Most wives will tell you the opposite, or so it feels to them. Scripture tells us that sexual sin is a sin against our bodies. The only sin given this distinction. Scripture tells that lusting after another person is adultery. Masturbation while looking at pornographic images is a physical betrayal. Again, I’d be happy to discuss this whole topic with you further.
What I’ve shared with you here is the tip of this iceberg. Am I an “expert” on the subject? That’s for someone else to decide I guess. I do know a lot about this process and continue to learn more about it everyday. Each case has it’s own unique circumstances as well. But keeping porn use a secret from your wife for more than a week or so, even while getting help, is disaster waiting to happen.
Thanks for your time, Herb. I hope this information is helpful. Again, it would be a privilege to speak to you about this issue. It’s a very large pink elephant in the room that most churches and Christian people dislike talking about, yet it’s arguably the single biggest cancer in the church today.
Blessings and I look forward to hearing your thoughts.