Should You Tell Your Wife Immediately About Your Pornography Addiction?

Pornography is the crabgrass in the lawn of men’s ministry. No matter how many seminars are held, how many books are written, how many messages are delivered, the problem just pops back up and gets worse. I’m no expert on treating Christian men addicted to porn (and a good percent are). But I do want to address the issue from time to time.

One huge question men have when facing this Goliath in their life is whether or not they should tell their wife.

The answer is yes, you should always tell your wife. The reason is because you will never completely overcome your pornography addiction until you become honest and transparent with yourself, with God, and with those around you.

But I want to throw out a suggestion and I’d like to get some feedback, especially if you’re a wife or if you have experience counseling men with this problem

My suggestion is that it might not be best to tell your wife immediately. The reason is because pornography is a betrayal. It may not be a physical betrayal. But it is a mental and emotional betrayal. Simply announcing to your wife out of the blue that you have a pornography addiction without having taken any other steps to address the problem may be an overwhelming relational tsunami for her.

Instead, my recommendation is that before telling your wife about your pornography addiction, you demonstrate that you have already taken steps to address the problem and have in fact been pornography free for, say, 6 months. In this way she will see that you are being transparent with her and have also owned the problem and are resolving it.

So this is what I suggest. Assuming you have already confessed your sin to God (probably many times), now confess it to a trusted friend, perhaps your pastor or other mature Christian man. (I would also suggest that you seek counseling from a well qualified Christian counselor and check out the excellent material available on this topic. You can start by reading my interview with Steve Etner.)

Then ask your friend if he will be an accountability partner with you. Ask him to meet with you on a regular basis, say once a week, and specifically quiz you about your porn addiction. In these meetings, talk about the Word of God. Talk about your struggles. Discuss moments of failure and what triggered them. Pray together. And tell your friend you are committing to tell your wife. Set a date, and then ask him to hold you accountable to that as well.

What you are doing in this process is demonstrating to your wife that you have re-established a pattern of faithfulness to her. It will still be very difficult for her to hear that you have been involved with pornography. But knowing that you have been successful in overcoming it for a significant amount of time will be a source of great comfort to her and form a foundation for healing.

This post first appeared in NewCommandment.org.

Are you a wife? Would you want to know immediately? Or would you prefer your husband take some steps toward healing first? Men, how about you? Do you think this approach is a good one? I’m really interested in what you all think about this. Please leave your comments below.

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